Letter before Exile

Dearest Jonny
Please tell me honestly
When I'm sent away will you be free?
Are you truly ok with my mom napping in your bed with you?
Are you ok with the fact that in front of you she grabs her boobs?
Are you ok with the vulgar topic she has discussed, when you explain you want purity in heart and mind, and that her leadership you trust.
Do you find a good example in her publicaly displaying showing her breasts to my father, walks back in the room hand still in shirt, if you agree with this, then why should I even bother?
Do you think that it's right for her to say that a woman who is not your wife should not touch you, and then she rest her head upon your shoulder,
Leans her forehead into yours to read along.
I'm the one you love and I don't even do that.
No woman who is not your wife should ever nap in bed with you.
And if it matters it's so shaming to me, to say that We shouldn't touch for appropriateness, Then nap in bed, in a room alone with my mother, more than that another woman
If this will only work out if I submit to being ok with those aspects of your relationship with her.
Then we won't work
I am not your wife, so I do not touch you
I fight to follow what you've requested
But like I've mentioned
I won't ever be ok with any woman not even my mother assuming they are the exception, if I don't even think I'm the exception and you told me I'm the one you wish to be with.
That is what I see wrong with this.

I ask you to ask yourself, are you truly comfortable with that closeness with my mother,
If no... why do you let it continue?
If yes..... then I am very concerned.

You Made Me Cry Last Night and You Weren't Even Around to See

Last Night you left to go to your cousin Zach's going away dinner. I stayed home with mom and worked. We worked and worked until I couldn't see straight anymore, and then she asked me to go help Pierson with his Math homework. Mainly because he was very frustrated also it was getting very late. So I went down stairs to help him. I had about 20 minutes before leaving, sent you this message...

"I'm texting you to let you know it is 9pm

Also your presence is greatly missed."

Aug3 9:00pm

About 48 minutes later I received this text from you...

"I sincerely miss both of my crew. 

Especially you........... P.S I sent this to the both of you two..... But seriously... Especially you... P.P.S I will be home in about 10 plus a few."

Aug3 9:48pm

to which I responded, after thinking about your personality and putting it together....

"Lol did you send the "but seriously especially you" to both of us as well?"

Aug3 9:49pm

To which you cheerfully responded....

"HA yes"

Aug3 9:50pm

Before I write my response, here is what you didn't know. When I came down stairs to help Pierson with his math homework I planned on going to bed directly after it was completed. I did not plan to be upstairs when you came home, at all. If I saw you before I went to bed, Great! But I was fairly sure I wouldn't that is why I was in the process of drafting a goodnight text to you, as you started this conversation. Why I hadn't sent the goodnight text to you yet was because I had to put that on hold to help Pierson. Just as I was doing with our silly, and seemingly non consequential conversation, When I responded...

"Ok"

Aug3 9:50pm

Sometimes I decide I'm going to stay on track, not have any discussions and buckle down to complete something. And when that task which I desire to be completed is dependent on a 6 year old's mind and ability to accurately process plus one, plus ten, minus one, minus ten problems, there is room to forget what I had previously committed to in my brain. That's why when you said...

"If I sent it all and you knew, you would find it funnier, too"

Aug3 9:55pm

It was my bad for even responding. But here's what you didn't know... When I read what you wrote on top of waiting for Pierson to tell me what one more than 25 is, even when I asked him to count to 25 and tell me what comes next. He was still struggling, but asked that I not interfere, he was"counting in his head" For the life of me I really couldn't understand what you were trying to say Knowing that it was probably wonderful, and wanting clarity I wrote....

"What do you mean?"

Aug3 9:55pm

You happily clarified for me by saying...

"I'm saying if you knew that I sent it all to both of you, you would have found it sunnier. Lol. Though in a rhyme."

Aug3 10:02pm

I just want to let you know this is where I messed up so terribly, that warranted a slam poetry response from you.

"Yep

Ok well night"

Aug3 10:05pm

 

And then shortly after that, writing something funny because I thought it would make you laugh.

"Also I missed you...especially you.. and I only sent this to you :p

or did I?"

Aug3 10:19pm

At this point I was finishing up Pierson's last page of homework barely keeping both of our eyes open. I thought it would be rude to pass out and not say goodnight to you because YOU ARE IMPORTANT to me and I want you to have a Good Night. 

I know that my emotions tend to come out one way.

You understand better than anyone else, when people misunderstand your feelings, and intentions. All because of the way they come across is hard to understand.

But you ask me to believe the best, not to view you that way, to try very hard not to assume anything.

As you continue to view all of my emotions one way, though you very well know that despite what I want. My emotions tend to surface one very weird way. Who are you to assume you can interpret them so well?

And just act on your assumptions, I try very hard to express how I feel accurately, and after watching me fail so many times. Maybe you should jump on the Clue Train, and think "maybe Dev feels something completely different then what I'm thinking." 

You yourself have told me directly how bad communication is over text, and that we should be extra careful to believe the best about each other. Laying that on how bad our communication already tends to be. 

Do you want to know what you could've done differently? 

Communicated,

You could've asked, Even said

"Dev, you often seem offended by the things I say, and though Text is a horrible way to communicate emotions. And definitely not a place for people to assume how others feel, I want to make sure everything is good."

instead of ...

"Should I call attention, To the many times mentioned Behavioral change, It is that you go through, When you find out it's not all about you? Or maybe in the times when you think it's only in your mind, The feelings that you view, Come to find out it's shouted in all that you do. Or at least that's the truth I see,  because I know what it's like to think it's all about me. And my truth is what I speak, If I'm wrong shut my beak, And tell me it's the glory of God that you seek."

Aug3 10:21pm

As an interjected note ... Jon wow.. if my failures in expressing emotions properly, Which I agree suck really bad. Are so frustrating to you that you're inspired to write this instead of just believing the best which you have instructed me to do. Then why even bother?

If you're not going to function in the mindset that we are both struggling to become better people. Then why even put any energy towards this? I'm not the most awesome person on the planet, but I care deeply for you and that inspires me to try harder. I hate feeling like I have to do this, justify myself, and defend myself to you. 

I was seriously confused after that last text, you asking me to literally defend that it is "the gory of God that I seek". That I responded with this.....

"....what the hell? Seriously.... I was literally going to bed... and before I wrote ok because texting you was interrupting Pierson's homework time........ goodnight Jon"

Aug3 10:24pm

I appreciate the apology that you wrote next....

"I am sorry Devon, I thought you had been offended by me, so I reacted as if you were offended by me. I assumed that because it does happen more often than perferable, though I am not trying to justify my actions. Goodnight, DHDW."

Aug3 10:53pm

But seriously I want to say that when interactions happen between us, and you say something like

"Are you really upset right now?"or offended. Does not mean that I ever felt that way. You say it so frequently to me. Though I know my face probably makes you think that I am. And I don't usually know the facial expressions I'm making.  You are the one who jumps to that before I know where the conversation is going... If the amount of times this happens in not preferable to you than I have two suggestions

1) don't believe I'm offended  or bring it into the space, believe that I'm feeling something completely different, and wait with patience to find out what it is.

2) find someone else to spend time with that will be more preferable to you

I'm doing all that I can, Jon I feel like a failure in so many areas, and if this is just going to be one incident after another of my actions not being preferable.  And us not taking radical actions to go above and beyond to believe the best, than we really aren't doing anything different than normal couples. Besides placing physical space, we need to be aware of our emotional communication as well and being as adamant about keeping that healthy as we are about making boundaries physically. 

These are just my opinons, and I have found it is much easier for me to expression my emotions about things like this through letters. I hope that this is clearer than anything I would've said verbally. Please know that everything I said here was intentional and  I hope this brings clarity to you, about where I am at. And how you can better view me as a person in the future.

Also don't use creative writing to correct me... 

Laughing in the car 107 degrees

Being with you is simplistic
it brings me such ease
I adore the fun we share
Laughing and it's 107 degrees
The Sun feels like it's hugging us
all the way from outer space
But my eyes are just so magnetized to your most handsome face.

Laughing and it's pouring down with rain
Dancing and a splashing
A moment in my heart I frame
We've cover top to bottom
And the rain with you is particularly wetter
you my love make everything in this universe that much better

Laughing and it's just you and me
In a car, with two heart no true destination seen.

Laughing and loving
it's 107 degrees
maybe this is trivial but with you I know I'm free

The Wrecking Ball - Amelia Curran

Hardest hearts if you ever let go
Will come together on the renegade road
Lead you back to the wreckage of change
Build your bridges and learn your name
Jump the river in 3 good strides
Left the company wild with pride
Wrap the ribbon all around your bangs
Gripped the surface and you turned the key
Lose your guard believe in me
I can love you best of all
I am the Wrecking Ball

Alleluia
Change your tune
The sky was a wound for you
Far too soon
Left the cradle and the rocking wind
Ran from nothing like it's everything
Night can turn a mirror on
Saw your face and it looked all wrong
Where are the eyes that you looked up from?
Two young coins in the rising sun
Jump the line &
Enter the Key
Lose your guard
Believe in me
I can love you best of all
I am the Wrecking Ball

So you curb and mend the tragedies
Put your faith in a memory
Til' all good soliders standin' free
Of the battles and the front row seat
As your shoulders curl and bend with time
and love and hatred must combined
You turn the page to reconcile
You'll see I loved you all the while
Jump the line &
Enter the Key
Lose your guard believe in me
I can love you best of all
I am the Wrecking Ball

Kissing your Smile :)

The honest in this post is part of the reason I think I will wait to send you the link to this blog. 

Dearest Jonny,

Maybe you could try to make your lips look less appealing, and your smile less captivating, and while you're at it your breathe less intoxicating.

Cus I'm doing everything I can not you get close to you!

I don't think I've ever told you why I would ask you to smile when we used to kiss. Why I would pause and then kiss your smile as much as I could, until you would start kissing me back.

You're smile is like concentrated energy, like pure happiness, and it boils all the blood inside me.

Kissing you're smile is like kissing sunlight.

It makes me feel silly, safe, calm, ecstatic, all at the same time.

I want to get as close to that smile as possible, to not just love your kisses, but that smile that you so generously bestow upon me. 

I want your smile to know it's appreciate too.

I really can't wait for our wedding day!

With all my love,

Dev 

Counting the days until we're married

Honestly you bring out the weirdest parts of me, 

making me feel anxious for the days when we are finally married. 

When I can proudly take your name,

When I will be forever in this life taken,

 that pride I'll wear like fame.

I didn't dream when I was younger of what my wedding day would be.

I was not at all enraptured by the thoughts of matrimony, 

like the other girls around me.

Instead I believed that I would be alone, 

That my wedding ring finger would never in this life posses any man's stone.

But you have me curled around the thought of being yours,

Because by you I have been forever caught.

We are young now this I know

But I try my hardest to not let these thoughts to you be known.

That I dream of when this day will be,

I imagine walking down the asile and your face being the one I see.

Waiting with an open hand.

When we can finally act out this God given plan.

I try to imagine the happiness of your face, 

but it's much to candid for me to make up in my head space.

I will be beautiful, pristine

And you will look back as if you've already spent forever loving me.

This may be silly,

I can imagine that to be true

But honestly these are just some of the things that you're love makes me do.

Dearest Jonny,

My intention in putting this blog together are mainly that one day I will courageously give you a link to this page, and you will see all the truth and emotions that I have poured out here for you.

So tell me how amazing it is that we went from these two people struggling in a race of time.

To two people walking through time no longer consumed with any "race".  Solely depending on God's grace.

I guess I mean to say that I've never felt so in my proper place anywhere in my life. But I feel like loving you was written into my genetic code.

If I may be so bold, I am irrevocably in love with you Jonathan Reece. 

I'm completely taken back by how well we fit together.

I swear to forever adore the truest you

& I fully give the truest parts of me, no matter how skrunky they might be.

With all my love,

Dev